Givers, Takers and Score Keepers
I listened to a podcast recently in which the guest presented his criteria for who he would allow into his inner circle. The guest, a very successful businessman and investor, explained that there are three types of people in the world: the givers, the takers and the score keepers. This idea was adopted from Adam Grant’s book titled Give and Take.
Givers are the people who give generously without expectation. They genuinely want to see others succeed. They function within the principle that a rising tide lifts all boats. Givers live in a mindset of abundance, believing that there is plenty to go around.
The antithesis of being a giver, is being a taker. A taker lives with a mindset of scarcity. Takers believe that there is not enough to go around and they must take what they can and run. They carry a sense of entitlement. They compete rather than uplift. To them, your rising tide equals their sinking boat. To survive, they must win and you must lose.
If a giver gives and a taker takes, what does the score keeper do? The score keeper keeps score. If a favor has been done for him, he must then do a favor in return. This almost sounds like giving, but the distinction is that the score keepers are constantly balancing the scale. His mindset is concerned about fairness and he wouldn’t want to give if he may not, in turn, receive.
In my own life, I have been, and am, all of these at different times and in different relationships.
As a wife, I tend toward keeping score, matching gives and takes between the two of us and fretting when I perceive myself to be giving more than he is. If, on Saturday, I have cleaned the house and watched our son while he has gone to a football game with a friend, my score card says that on Sunday he should watch our son and mow the yard, while I go for a hike and get a slice of cake. While this may sound like a reasonable arrangement, with us both contributing to a functioning household, I approach this with a stern if-then mentality - If he gets to do that, then I get to do this. My heart is in a place of ensuring that I will not be taken advantage of.
As a daughter, in my teenage and early adult years, I remember all I took from my mom. Besides blaming her for anything that went wrong in my life, I also complained to her endlessly about the boys who didn’t like me, the friends who had it easier, the way she should have parented me better. On and on, I took her energy, her sympathy, and topped off the taking with a dollop of criticism. My mom doesn’t remember me (only) this way, and thank heavens she doesn’t. But having now been on the receiving end of the taking, I can more clearly see the ways in which I have been that person.
Now, as a mom, few things bring me as much joy as seeing my son thrive. He recently turned 5 and is learning to read. I will sit with him patiently as he sounds out words and puts together sentences. I love the look of pride on his face when, all by himself he reads, “The boy had a pet fly. He named him Fly Guy.” With my son, I can motivate, praise, and love him without any expectation of reciprocation. I eagerly celebrate his accomplishments and offer encouragement when he struggles. I give because his joy and his success are rewards in and of themselves.
In all of this giving, taking and score keeping, there is an obvious irony.
My son tells me he loves me, blows me kisses, and wraps me up in big hearty bear hugs. He gives back.
Taking my mom’s emotional energy didn’t make my life any better. All that complaining and blaming only allowed me to be a victim of my own life.
An even scorecard doesn’t make life fair. The constant tabulating frustrates me and irritates my husband.
The moral of the story is this:
We are all givers, takers and score keepers. But one of these stands above the rest as a key to both happiness and success.
If you want a good life, be a giver. And, into you inner circle, invite givers.
